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Top 10 ways to fix the Oscars
http://www.edmontonsun.com/Entertainment/M ovieNews/2008/02/24/4872367-sun.html
Sun, February 24, 2008
By JIM SLOTEK
So now we know, the Oscars will go on tonight. The writers have been on
the job for a mere 10 days and Jon Stewart may be reduced to recycling
jokes -- with the added handicap of neither Uma nor Oprah being there.
But a slapdash Oscars is the least of the problems facing the Academy
of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences.
Being the "showmen" they are (Hollywood speak for "liars"), the academy
has for years failed to disabuse anybody of the notion that a billion
people are watching worldwide when Jessica Alba and Ryan Reynolds read
the intro off the teleprompter whetting your appetite for the category
of best achievement in sound-effects editing.
Consider the existence of time zones, and the hubris involved in
claiming that one in six people in the world is watching, no matter
what time it is where you are. ("Balint! Come to bed. It's four in
morning and you have to be at your job at poultry by-products plant in
three hours!"
"Be quiet, Blaga! Tilda Swinton is coming down Red Carpet and she is
committing fashion crime. Oh, that Cojo is such bitch!")
Fact is, in the only numbers that matter -- North American ratings --
the '00s have been flat, falling consistently under the 40-million mark
(slightly higher than American Idol's ratings), and bottoming out in
2003 (when Chicago won best picture and the U.S. was invading Iraq) at
33 mil. Compare that to just five years earlier when 55 million watched
Titanic clean up.
Why? Oh I don't know, maybe it was because at least 55 million people
HAD SEEN THE FRIGGIN' MOVIE!
The Harvey Weinstein-ification of the Oscars has been a gradual process
-- contributing to the feedback loop that has turned theatres into a
babysitting service for teenagers. All the best picture nominees
together didn't cough up the box office of Norbit. The nominees are so
unseen, this may finally be the year the Oscars become known as
"America's Genies."
So, free of charge, here's our 10-point plan to fix the Oscars:
1. Get 'em drunk: The only reason the Golden Globes have any ratings at
all is that everybody's good 'n' liquored, invariably inspiring
water-cooler talk the next day (remember when Ryan Phillippe was
screaming for Reese's win like a Packers fan at a tailgate party? The
divorce countdown started there).
2. Reward success: I'm not saying big box office should be a
get-to-the-podium-free card. But how about some extra academy points
for every million you gross? A bad popular movie -- such as, say,
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End -- would still be precluded
because you'd still need actual votes from academy members to qualify.
If you want people to be watching, it would help if they had movies
they'd seen to root for.
3. While we're at it, maybe separate giant roller-coaster ride movies
from tiny, thoughtful little indies where the actors worked for scale:
A bunch of indies in a category of "budget under-$20 million" would
give the chin-scratching cineastes something to cheer for, while giving
the big-budget films a category of their own. At least it would save us
another ridiculous Saving Private Ryan versus Shakespeare In Love
scenario. Apples with Apples, as Gwyneth might say.
4. Nominate more comedies: Better still, take another cue from the
Golden Globes and give them their own category. Then, once you have
winners in the drama and comedy categories, have the audience phone in
-- a la Idol -- to vote sad-face or happy-face.
5. Give documentaries about Holocausts their own category: Whether it's
Darfur, Sudan, Armenia or the Big One, it's really hard for a movie
about a spelling bee or about a guy wolfing down Big Macs to make any
headway against the darkness that taints our soul as a species.
6. Forget the get-off-the-stage music: If somebody starts to blather
on, give their mike a "tweak" so they sound like one of The Chipmunks.
7. Did I mention, get 'em drunk?
8. Wherever possible, have somebody's ex present them the award: This,
combined with the booze, should liven up the speeches.
9. They don't call the Oscars "the Super Bowl for women" for nothing:
But the NFL has tried to address its own gender bias via its halftime
show, which actually does attract a female demographic to the TV. Most
men frankly don't care "who Cate Blanchett is wearing." One way to drag
them in: planned "wardrobe malfunctions." Hey, they watch NASCAR for
the accidents, why not the Oscars?
10. Replace "who are you wearing?" with "how many Third World children
do you figure had a hand in making that dress, and have you adopted any
of them?"
http://www.edmontonsun.com/Entertainment/M ovieNews/2008/02/24/4872367-sun.html
Sun, February 24, 2008
By JIM SLOTEK
So now we know, the Oscars will go on tonight. The writers have been on
the job for a mere 10 days and Jon Stewart may be reduced to recycling
jokes -- with the added handicap of neither Uma nor Oprah being there.
But a slapdash Oscars is the least of the problems facing the Academy
of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences.
Being the "showmen" they are (Hollywood speak for "liars"), the academy
has for years failed to disabuse anybody of the notion that a billion
people are watching worldwide when Jessica Alba and Ryan Reynolds read
the intro off the teleprompter whetting your appetite for the category
of best achievement in sound-effects editing.
Consider the existence of time zones, and the hubris involved in
claiming that one in six people in the world is watching, no matter
what time it is where you are. ("Balint! Come to bed. It's four in
morning and you have to be at your job at poultry by-products plant in
three hours!"
"Be quiet, Blaga! Tilda Swinton is coming down Red Carpet and she is
committing fashion crime. Oh, that Cojo is such bitch!")
Fact is, in the only numbers that matter -- North American ratings --
the '00s have been flat, falling consistently under the 40-million mark
(slightly higher than American Idol's ratings), and bottoming out in
2003 (when Chicago won best picture and the U.S. was invading Iraq) at
33 mil. Compare that to just five years earlier when 55 million watched
Titanic clean up.
Why? Oh I don't know, maybe it was because at least 55 million people
HAD SEEN THE FRIGGIN' MOVIE!
The Harvey Weinstein-ification of the Oscars has been a gradual process
-- contributing to the feedback loop that has turned theatres into a
babysitting service for teenagers. All the best picture nominees
together didn't cough up the box office of Norbit. The nominees are so
unseen, this may finally be the year the Oscars become known as
"America's Genies."
So, free of charge, here's our 10-point plan to fix the Oscars:
1. Get 'em drunk: The only reason the Golden Globes have any ratings at
all is that everybody's good 'n' liquored, invariably inspiring
water-cooler talk the next day (remember when Ryan Phillippe was
screaming for Reese's win like a Packers fan at a tailgate party? The
divorce countdown started there).
2. Reward success: I'm not saying big box office should be a
get-to-the-podium-free card. But how about some extra academy points
for every million you gross? A bad popular movie -- such as, say,
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End -- would still be precluded
because you'd still need actual votes from academy members to qualify.
If you want people to be watching, it would help if they had movies
they'd seen to root for.
3. While we're at it, maybe separate giant roller-coaster ride movies
from tiny, thoughtful little indies where the actors worked for scale:
A bunch of indies in a category of "budget under-$20 million" would
give the chin-scratching cineastes something to cheer for, while giving
the big-budget films a category of their own. At least it would save us
another ridiculous Saving Private Ryan versus Shakespeare In Love
scenario. Apples with Apples, as Gwyneth might say.
4. Nominate more comedies: Better still, take another cue from the
Golden Globes and give them their own category. Then, once you have
winners in the drama and comedy categories, have the audience phone in
-- a la Idol -- to vote sad-face or happy-face.
5. Give documentaries about Holocausts their own category: Whether it's
Darfur, Sudan, Armenia or the Big One, it's really hard for a movie
about a spelling bee or about a guy wolfing down Big Macs to make any
headway against the darkness that taints our soul as a species.
6. Forget the get-off-the-stage music: If somebody starts to blather
on, give their mike a "tweak" so they sound like one of The Chipmunks.
7. Did I mention, get 'em drunk?
8. Wherever possible, have somebody's ex present them the award: This,
combined with the booze, should liven up the speeches.
9. They don't call the Oscars "the Super Bowl for women" for nothing:
But the NFL has tried to address its own gender bias via its halftime
show, which actually does attract a female demographic to the TV. Most
men frankly don't care "who Cate Blanchett is wearing." One way to drag
them in: planned "wardrobe malfunctions." Hey, they watch NASCAR for
the accidents, why not the Oscars?
10. Replace "who are you wearing?" with "how many Third World children
do you figure had a hand in making that dress, and have you adopted any
of them?"