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Global Times, China
Jan 11 2015
Mamma mia!
By Xie Wenting Source:Global Times Published: 2015-1-11 17:18:01
The domestic lives of foreign women with Chinese mothers-in-law
By her own admission, Ember Swift has never conformed to her Chinese
mother-in-law's image of what a wife should be.
A peripatetic singer-songwriter from Ontario, Canada, Swift moved to
Beijing in 2008. A year later, she married fellow musician and reggae
band Long Shen Dao frontman Guo Jian. Ever since, said Swift, she has
been trying to get into her mother-in-law's good graces.
"Dealing with one's mother-in-law is never easy, in any country. When
you add cultural differences into the mix, my mother-in-law and I have
more hurdles to overcome than most," said Swift, 40. "There's a
constant struggle for control in the family. In the West, it would be
taken for granted that I have right to run my family as I see fit. But
my mother-in-law disagrees. She thinks it should be her right."
The domestic arrangements of cross-cultural marriages like Swift's
have become a topic of interest in the Chinese media in recent weeks,
following the publication of a story in Jiangsu-based newspaper Modern
Express about the marriage of 26-year-old French woman Emilie Gutowski
to a Chinese golf instructor by the name of Kevin Xie this month.
The story attracted thousands of comments on Sina Weibo, for
challenging contemporary Chinese attitudes toward courtship and
marriage. Besides the fact that such cross-cultural marriages in China
remain relatively uncommon, it was Gutowski who took the initiative to
"pursue" Xie romantically. A quote made by Gutowski to the publication
particularly galvanized public reaction: "I don't want a house, I
don't want a car, I just want to be with you." In China, many see
having a car and a house - symbols of material stability - as
prerequisites for marriage.
Since 1982, around 29,000 marriages between Chinese and foreign
nationals have been recorded in Beijing, according to a Beijing
Evening News report last September.
The report went on to note that the number of such marriages is
increasing annually.
Power struggles
After moving to Beijing in anticipation of the birth of their first
child in January 2012, one of the first actions Swift's mother-in-law
took was to clear out Swift's kitchen.
She replaced all the ingredients with which Swift had stocked the
pantry with her own.
"I was mad. I couldn't find any of the ingredients that I wanted to
use," said Swift. "I even yelled at her, which made her angry. She has
a brittle temper, like me."
Another thing that bothered Swift was that her mother-in-law would
routinely enter her and Guo's bedroom to rearrange their wardrobe.
"I think it's a matter of privacy. In China, people associate privacy
with secrecy. But where I'm from, privacy is not about keeping secrets
from someone, it's about having one's private space and time," said
Swift. "Although I knew a bit about Chinese etiquette, my
mother-in-law knew nothing about Western etiquettes or customs."
Swift said she frequently got into fights with her mother-in-law over
such issues, but after a while, she decided to take a different tack.
"Later on, I tried to avoid having direct confrontations with my
mother-in-law. I began to adopt a milder approach," said Swift. She
gave the example of her mother-in-law telling her children that if
they behave badly, they will be taken away by a big, bad wolf. Swift
disagrees with telling children such fibs to win their obedience, but
instead of confronting her mother-in-law about it, Swift said, she now
simply speaks to the children in English, to tell them that there is
no wolf, but their grandmother's intentions are good and that they
should be good girls.
"These tactics are more effective," said Swift. "[My mother-in-law]
knows that I have different opinions to her, but a softer approach is
easier for her to accept."
Great expectations
Militonyan Nune, originally from Armenia, married her Chinese husband,
Deng Zhonggang, in 1996. They had met the year before, when Deng went
to Armenia to work as a farmer.
After giving birth to a pair of twin daughters, Deng persuaded Nune to
move back with him to his hometown, a small rural village in Weihai,
Shandong Province.
Immediately, her mother-in-law expected her to contribute to domestic
chores and to work in the fields.
"When I arrived at his home, I was shocked. It was in the middle of
nowhere, and completely run down." said Nune, 47. "I started to
despair. If it wasn't for the fact that I loved [Deng] so much, I
would have immediately returned to Armenia."
Nune did not speak the Weihai dialect, but she said that she could
sense that her husband's mother was unimpressed with her.
In Armenia, Nune had worked as a nurse, and had no farming experience.
Unfamiliar with her surrounding, she mistook a cooking pot for a
laundry bucket. Her mother-in-law, she later found out, accused her of
being like a "pretty vase" who didn't know how to graft.
Since then, Nune has worked to meet her mother-in-law's expectations,
and their relationship has improved. Nune now speaks the local dialect
fluently, and has made an effort to conform to the cultural customs of
the village.
"At the beginning, when we had guests at the house, my mother-in-law
would ask me to sit with them. But she would always stay away from the
room," said Nune. "Later I found out that it was because women do not
have the 'privilege' of sitting at the table with men when the family
has guests."
Although Nune doesn't agree with the custom, she has since decided to follow it.
"[Nowadays], I accompany her [rather than stay with my husband]. I
have never thought about changing this tradition. I'm the newcomer. If
I want to survive here, I need to follow their rules," she said.
Cultural faux pas
Hungarian actress and media personality Victoria Varadi married her
Chinese husband in 2013. The first time she met her mother-in-law,
Varadi brought lilies, which she said is customary in her country when
meeting a guest's family for the first time.
"I could sense that she liked me," said Varadi, 30. "I think this may
be because she could see from my body language how much I loved her
son."
However, Varadi committed a cultural faux pas - she addressed her
mother-in-law by her first name, rather than calling her "mother." She
continued addressing her mother-in-law by her first name for a number
of months.
"In my country, we only address our biological parents as 'mother' and
'father,'" said Varadi. "It was only after my father-in-law spoke to
my husband about it that I realized she wasn't happy about this. Since
then, I've started calling her 'mother.'"
Varadi said that she has become quite close to her mother-in-law. On
one occasion, her mother-in-law apologized to her for not being able
to buy an apartment for her in Beijing.
"She started crying. Then I started crying too. She was so nice," said
Varadi. "I don't care about having a house [in Beijing]. In my
country, it's not the parents' duty to buy a house for their son and
his wife. [But] it made me feel like she was treating me as a real
family member."
A mother-in-law's view
Li Jian'en, Gutowski's mother-in-law, said she was worried at first
when she heard that her son wanted to marry a foreigner.
"I have a friend whose son married a woman from New Zealand. They all
live together and my friend told me that there were a lot of
problems," said Li. "For instance, her daughter-in-law won't let her
enter their bedroom. So when my son got married, I talked to my
husband, and we decided that we should give them their space and allow
them to live in a separate house."
Li said although she initially felt a bit uncomfortable with her
daughter-in-law, they now get along quite well.
"She is very polite, but she also speaks her mind directly," said Li.
"If there's something she doesn't like, she tells me, which is nice."
Li said that at first, she was also worried about the fact that
Gutowski was better-educated than her son.
"In China, we prefer the man in the relationship to have at least the
same educational background as the woman," said Li. "But after seeing
how well they get on together, I'm not worried about it anymore."
Gutowski said that her husband's mother treated her "as if I were her
own daughter."
"I've heard a lot of stories about people who don't like their
mothers-in-law," said Gutowski. "But I like mine so much."
As for Swift, her relationship with her mother-in-law has improved
tremendously. In April last year, Swift paid a special tribute to her
mother-in-law by specifically thanking her on a television talent
contest called "Super Diva" that was broadcast on Dragon Television.
"I thanked my mother-in-law, and said I wanted to paimapi ["kick ass"]
for my mother-in law," said Swift.
Her mother-in-law was not pleased with her using the expression
"paimapi," which she thought was vulgar, but she was moved by the
gesture.
"My mother-in-law told me, after I went backstage, that I was a very
good wife," said Swift. "I couldn't believe it. I was really moved."
http://www.globaltimes.cn/content/901180.shtml
Jan 11 2015
Mamma mia!
By Xie Wenting Source:Global Times Published: 2015-1-11 17:18:01
The domestic lives of foreign women with Chinese mothers-in-law
By her own admission, Ember Swift has never conformed to her Chinese
mother-in-law's image of what a wife should be.
A peripatetic singer-songwriter from Ontario, Canada, Swift moved to
Beijing in 2008. A year later, she married fellow musician and reggae
band Long Shen Dao frontman Guo Jian. Ever since, said Swift, she has
been trying to get into her mother-in-law's good graces.
"Dealing with one's mother-in-law is never easy, in any country. When
you add cultural differences into the mix, my mother-in-law and I have
more hurdles to overcome than most," said Swift, 40. "There's a
constant struggle for control in the family. In the West, it would be
taken for granted that I have right to run my family as I see fit. But
my mother-in-law disagrees. She thinks it should be her right."
The domestic arrangements of cross-cultural marriages like Swift's
have become a topic of interest in the Chinese media in recent weeks,
following the publication of a story in Jiangsu-based newspaper Modern
Express about the marriage of 26-year-old French woman Emilie Gutowski
to a Chinese golf instructor by the name of Kevin Xie this month.
The story attracted thousands of comments on Sina Weibo, for
challenging contemporary Chinese attitudes toward courtship and
marriage. Besides the fact that such cross-cultural marriages in China
remain relatively uncommon, it was Gutowski who took the initiative to
"pursue" Xie romantically. A quote made by Gutowski to the publication
particularly galvanized public reaction: "I don't want a house, I
don't want a car, I just want to be with you." In China, many see
having a car and a house - symbols of material stability - as
prerequisites for marriage.
Since 1982, around 29,000 marriages between Chinese and foreign
nationals have been recorded in Beijing, according to a Beijing
Evening News report last September.
The report went on to note that the number of such marriages is
increasing annually.
Power struggles
After moving to Beijing in anticipation of the birth of their first
child in January 2012, one of the first actions Swift's mother-in-law
took was to clear out Swift's kitchen.
She replaced all the ingredients with which Swift had stocked the
pantry with her own.
"I was mad. I couldn't find any of the ingredients that I wanted to
use," said Swift. "I even yelled at her, which made her angry. She has
a brittle temper, like me."
Another thing that bothered Swift was that her mother-in-law would
routinely enter her and Guo's bedroom to rearrange their wardrobe.
"I think it's a matter of privacy. In China, people associate privacy
with secrecy. But where I'm from, privacy is not about keeping secrets
from someone, it's about having one's private space and time," said
Swift. "Although I knew a bit about Chinese etiquette, my
mother-in-law knew nothing about Western etiquettes or customs."
Swift said she frequently got into fights with her mother-in-law over
such issues, but after a while, she decided to take a different tack.
"Later on, I tried to avoid having direct confrontations with my
mother-in-law. I began to adopt a milder approach," said Swift. She
gave the example of her mother-in-law telling her children that if
they behave badly, they will be taken away by a big, bad wolf. Swift
disagrees with telling children such fibs to win their obedience, but
instead of confronting her mother-in-law about it, Swift said, she now
simply speaks to the children in English, to tell them that there is
no wolf, but their grandmother's intentions are good and that they
should be good girls.
"These tactics are more effective," said Swift. "[My mother-in-law]
knows that I have different opinions to her, but a softer approach is
easier for her to accept."
Great expectations
Militonyan Nune, originally from Armenia, married her Chinese husband,
Deng Zhonggang, in 1996. They had met the year before, when Deng went
to Armenia to work as a farmer.
After giving birth to a pair of twin daughters, Deng persuaded Nune to
move back with him to his hometown, a small rural village in Weihai,
Shandong Province.
Immediately, her mother-in-law expected her to contribute to domestic
chores and to work in the fields.
"When I arrived at his home, I was shocked. It was in the middle of
nowhere, and completely run down." said Nune, 47. "I started to
despair. If it wasn't for the fact that I loved [Deng] so much, I
would have immediately returned to Armenia."
Nune did not speak the Weihai dialect, but she said that she could
sense that her husband's mother was unimpressed with her.
In Armenia, Nune had worked as a nurse, and had no farming experience.
Unfamiliar with her surrounding, she mistook a cooking pot for a
laundry bucket. Her mother-in-law, she later found out, accused her of
being like a "pretty vase" who didn't know how to graft.
Since then, Nune has worked to meet her mother-in-law's expectations,
and their relationship has improved. Nune now speaks the local dialect
fluently, and has made an effort to conform to the cultural customs of
the village.
"At the beginning, when we had guests at the house, my mother-in-law
would ask me to sit with them. But she would always stay away from the
room," said Nune. "Later I found out that it was because women do not
have the 'privilege' of sitting at the table with men when the family
has guests."
Although Nune doesn't agree with the custom, she has since decided to follow it.
"[Nowadays], I accompany her [rather than stay with my husband]. I
have never thought about changing this tradition. I'm the newcomer. If
I want to survive here, I need to follow their rules," she said.
Cultural faux pas
Hungarian actress and media personality Victoria Varadi married her
Chinese husband in 2013. The first time she met her mother-in-law,
Varadi brought lilies, which she said is customary in her country when
meeting a guest's family for the first time.
"I could sense that she liked me," said Varadi, 30. "I think this may
be because she could see from my body language how much I loved her
son."
However, Varadi committed a cultural faux pas - she addressed her
mother-in-law by her first name, rather than calling her "mother." She
continued addressing her mother-in-law by her first name for a number
of months.
"In my country, we only address our biological parents as 'mother' and
'father,'" said Varadi. "It was only after my father-in-law spoke to
my husband about it that I realized she wasn't happy about this. Since
then, I've started calling her 'mother.'"
Varadi said that she has become quite close to her mother-in-law. On
one occasion, her mother-in-law apologized to her for not being able
to buy an apartment for her in Beijing.
"She started crying. Then I started crying too. She was so nice," said
Varadi. "I don't care about having a house [in Beijing]. In my
country, it's not the parents' duty to buy a house for their son and
his wife. [But] it made me feel like she was treating me as a real
family member."
A mother-in-law's view
Li Jian'en, Gutowski's mother-in-law, said she was worried at first
when she heard that her son wanted to marry a foreigner.
"I have a friend whose son married a woman from New Zealand. They all
live together and my friend told me that there were a lot of
problems," said Li. "For instance, her daughter-in-law won't let her
enter their bedroom. So when my son got married, I talked to my
husband, and we decided that we should give them their space and allow
them to live in a separate house."
Li said although she initially felt a bit uncomfortable with her
daughter-in-law, they now get along quite well.
"She is very polite, but she also speaks her mind directly," said Li.
"If there's something she doesn't like, she tells me, which is nice."
Li said that at first, she was also worried about the fact that
Gutowski was better-educated than her son.
"In China, we prefer the man in the relationship to have at least the
same educational background as the woman," said Li. "But after seeing
how well they get on together, I'm not worried about it anymore."
Gutowski said that her husband's mother treated her "as if I were her
own daughter."
"I've heard a lot of stories about people who don't like their
mothers-in-law," said Gutowski. "But I like mine so much."
As for Swift, her relationship with her mother-in-law has improved
tremendously. In April last year, Swift paid a special tribute to her
mother-in-law by specifically thanking her on a television talent
contest called "Super Diva" that was broadcast on Dragon Television.
"I thanked my mother-in-law, and said I wanted to paimapi ["kick ass"]
for my mother-in law," said Swift.
Her mother-in-law was not pleased with her using the expression
"paimapi," which she thought was vulgar, but she was moved by the
gesture.
"My mother-in-law told me, after I went backstage, that I was a very
good wife," said Swift. "I couldn't believe it. I was really moved."
http://www.globaltimes.cn/content/901180.shtml